Beauty and Grief

The morning sun lights up the cloudless blue sky. Masses of tall trees covered in green leaves fill the horizon. Tidy yards of cut green grass border the bottom of my view. It is a beautiful day. But I sit in my chair and cry.

Five years ago, I spent this day in hospice holding my husband’s hand as he took his last breath. I have relived that moment a million times and I relive it now.

The pain radiates from my heart to my throat to my eyes, blocking the beautiful views out my window.

The trill of birdsong makes me lift my head and open my eyes. It is a beautiful world out there. Nick is enjoying beauty beyond compare in his heavenly home. I am sure he would want me to enjoy the beauty God gives us here on earth.

And the garden is calling.

The plants are growing so rapidly now. Every day they are taller and fuller, and blossoms and fruit appear. Their branches need to be lifted and rested on the supports. Weeds need to be pulled. The June sun is sapping the moisture from the ground, and I need to replenish it. How selfish of me to sit in my chair and cry.

As I have adapted to life without Nick, these days come less and less often, these days when life feels almost pointless without him, but they still come.

God’s Spirit gently reminds me that as much as I loved Nick, he was never the point, the purpose of my life. God is.

And God is with me now just as He was when Nick lived. God put me here for a purpose, and God keeps me here for a purpose.

For we are what he has made us, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand to be our way of life. Ephesians 2:10.

I don’t always know what specific good works God has prepared for me, but I know He commands me to love, to share His love with every person I encounter. I admit I have not always done so. I confess I still find this challenging at times. Such a simple command, and yet it sits in opposition to my “me first” mentality. Even now, as I wallow in my chair, it is easier to focus on my pain and my needs then to act in love toward those around me who are hurting and need to sense God’s love.

But God’s call to love one another is enough to get me out of my chair. There are people to call, household chores that need addressing, mail that needs a response. And a garden that needs tending.

I read the scriptures listed for today, spend some time in prayer, and read a short devotional. Then I slip on my garden shoes and head outside.

The sun is shining brightly in the crisp blue sky. Green trees surround my yard, and the babble of the creek sings in the background. Birds fly across the ground and search the green grass for worms. It is a beautiful day.

God loves me. God loves you. With His Spirit’s help and in His name, I love you as well, even if we have never met. What an amazing world God has gifted us to show us how much He loves us – plants and animals and sunshine and rain and beauty all around us.

See what love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; and that is what we are. 1 John 3:1.

I am sure my sad days are not over. I will always miss Nick. But God has provided me with a beautiful world, wonderful friends and family, and opportunities to share His love. If you too are sad today, listen for the trill of a bird nearby and lift your eyes to the beauty and love around you.

Love in Christ, Betsy